WCW Uncensored 1996

Hosted by Tony Schiavone, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, and the “American Dream” Dusty Rhodes

To say I’m feeling trepidatious about reviewing this show considering all the negative criticism surrounding it would be putting it mildly. But, I aim to please my readership and will saunter through this show accordingly.

Prior to the first match, Tony picks on Bobby for wearing a leather jacket. Apparently, Flair, Heenan and Okerlund were late getting to the show from Memphis, so Heenan had no time to get decked out.

While working on Konnan’s arm, Guerrero climbed up to the top turnbuckle to deliver a Mexican arm drag.
Switching to the leg, Guerrero hooked the figure-four leg lock.
Pinfall reversal sequence didn’t wake up the slumbering crowd.
Grapevine ankle lock by Konnan, but Guerrero won’t submit.
Konnan then applied the Boston crab, but Guerrero made the ropes.
Lucha sequence resulted in a stalemate. Whoops, Konnan slapped Guerrero in the face. That’s wasn’t sportsmanlike. Guerrero slapped him right back.
According to Tony, the winner of this match faces Mr. JL tomorrow night on Nitro.
Dueling Eddie-Konnan chants from the Tupelo crowd.
After giving Konnan a dropkick, Eddie put him on the top turnbuckle and delivered a super huracanrana for 2.
Camel clutch by Guerrero, but Konnan powered Guerrero out of the ring to escape.
Springboard Mexican arm drag by Konnan sent Guerrero outside the ring.
After delivering a cross-corner whip, Konnan monkey-flipped Guerrero.
Wow! Guerrero landed on his feet!
Flying headscissors by Guerrero who then mounted the top turnbuckle and delivered a flying body press to Konnan on the floor. Amazing!
Springboard somersault senton by Guerrero got 2.
German suplex by Konnan. He tried a second attempt, but Guerrero rolled him up for 2.
Another huracanrana got 2 for Guerrero.
Crucifix powerbomb by Konnan got 2.
Konnan mounted the second turnbuckle but got caught.
Actually when Guerrero climbed up with him Konnan tossed him down to the floor.
Tope suicida by Konnan sent Guerrero back-first into the steel railing.
Clothesline by Konnan got 2.
He then mounted the top turnbuckle, got caught again, and received a superplex.
1-2-NO!
1-2-NO!
Guerrero then mounted the top turnbuckle, got caught, and was thrown down to the mat.
Nevertheless, Guerrero hooked Konnan on the way down and got another 2 count.
Thesz press by Guerrero, but he took one down in the barrios of Tijuana if you know what I mean.
1-2-3.
Konnan retained the title.

Back in the locker room “Mean” Gene Okerlund shills Compuserve. Currently the Giant is ~~requesting a whole turkey for dinner~~ chatting with the fans. Gene then interviews Colonel Parker with Slater as Parker claims to be a rooster. I hope Madusa doesn’t hurt his cock-a-doodle-doo too much.

Prior to entering the ring, the Bruiser slapped Jeeves in the face.
Before the bell, Bruiser whipped Regal with his jacket.
After a pair of European uppercuts Regal came off the ropes only to eat a knee.
Vicious clothesline by the Bruiser got 2.
After tossing Regal outside the ring, the Bruiser leaped from the apron and delivered a forearm to the back.
He then guillotined Regal on the steel railing. I’d offer a restaurant recommendation for Regal here, but I believe he’ll be drinking his dinners through a straw after that shot.
Next the Bruiser pulled Regal into the ring post.
Dropkick by Regal got a trio of 2 counts.
At the Spanish announce table, Konnan joined Miguel Alonzo and Pedro Morales.
Meanwhile in the ring, the Bruiser delivered a vicious forearm.
Like a good heel, Regal draped his leg across the Bruiser’s throat while pleading with referee Nick Patrick.
According to Tony, this is the first WCW PPV available in Australia.
Slam and a senton by the Bruiser got 2.
Another vicious clothesline by the Bruiser got 2.
As the Bruiser rammed Regal face-first into the apron, Tony noted that the Bruiser will face Savage on Nitro tomorrow night should the “Macho Man” survive tonight’s main event.
The Bruiser then made Regal taste the steel railing. It must have tasted like the Purple Cow shake at Dairy Kream. I hope it’s not too thick for a straw!
The Bruiser tried to suplex Regal back into the ring, but received one instead down to the floor.
While he was there, he received an elbow drop from the apron by Regal.
I try so hard not to get lost in Dusty’s commentary, but Ireland five miles from London? Wow, that’s rich!
Regal distracted Patrick so that he could punt the Bruiser like a rugby ball.
Elbow drop got a pair of 2 counts for Regal.
Outside the ring the Bruiser rammed Regal back-first into the apron.
This match was so stiff that Regal was busted open hardway.
A double kick from Regal sent the Bruiser over the top rope to the floor.
In the aisle, Regal rammed the Bruiser face-first into the Doomsday cage.
All of a sudden, Blue Bloods “Squire” David Taylor and Earl Robert Eaton ran to assist Regal in the destruction of the Bruiser.
Patrick called for the bell.

Summary: Bartender, make the matches like you make my drinks…stiff! This match certainly epitomizes that. If you want to watch a fight rather than a wrestling match, this contest is for you. Other than the violence involved, I didn’t enjoy this much. Hopefully they’ll put on a better match the next time they face one another.

While the broadcast team previews the next match, Heenan makes misogynistic jokes.

Back in the locker room, Gene shills the hotline teasing the Bret Hart possible retirement rumors. He then interviews Loch Ness. The extra-large man is pissed that Jimmy Hart removed him from the Doomsday match because he wants a piece of Hogan. Instead he’ll get a piece of the Giant ~~possibly with some bacon on the side~~. Gene makes a dentist joke, and Loch Ness stares a hole right through him. Yikes!

If Parker’s 197lbs. then Loch Ness is thinner than Dennis Rodman.
If anyone needs a bathroom break match, this is it. Seriously, I hope the comedy is worth the time invested.
After a lock up, Madusa tossed Parker down to the mat.
Airplane spin by Parker as Madusa squealed.
Evidently, she got her bearings back quickly because she gave him a sunset flip for 2.
She then slammed him causing Parker to hit the floor.
Standing choke by Parker, but then he missed an elbow drop.
Madusa then mounted the second turnbuckle and hit a dropkick.
A second trip became another dropkick to Parker.
As Parker exited the ring again, Madusa mounted the top turnbuckle and hit a flying body press. Not as crisp as it sounded though.
German suplex by Madusa, but Slater pulled Madusa’s feet out from under her.
Parker rolled on top and got the pin.

Summary: Parker was game for a goofy woman versus man match. Madusa didn’t do too poorly here.

Backstage, Lee Marshall is ~~ready to interview John Nord and “Flapjack” Norton~~…wait a minute! Before the interview takes place, the strategy for the Doomsday match is written on the blackboard behind Marshall. Kayfabe? What’s that? Anyways, Marshall interviews the Road Warriors as Hawk mispronounces the medical term for brain stem. I know what it is, but I refuse to spell it.

Prior to the next match, Tony shills Slamboree on May 19th featuring the return of Battlebowl!

Let’s set the record straight before this next match. As I stated in week 28, Johnny B. Badd quit WCW because he wanted to get paid even if he got hurt. Instead he should have called AFLAC. Anyways, the Booty Man (Ed Leslie/Brutus Beefcake), in yet another gimmick after yet another face turn, replaces him. My sympathies go out to DDP for the upcoming match.

Stipulations for this match are as follows: If DDP loses, he must retire. If DDP wins, he gets the money and Kimberly back.
In a funny bit, Heenan asked what was flowing through the Booty Man’s veins. Interestingly, there was a pregnant pause. Only afterwards did he reveal it was Hulkamania.
Considering DDP’s physique a year ago, he’s been hitting the treadmill hard. A little more upper body definition and he’ll have it all together.
DDP must have gotten some advice from Larry Zbyszko before this match because his stalling here was comparable to his.
A right hand by the Booty Man sent DDP over the top rope to the floor.
When DDP got up on the apron, he grabbed Patrick by the shirt. Patrick replied with a shove sending DDP back to the floor.
DDP tried to flee, but the Booty Man brought him back and rammed him face-first into the apron.
Booty Man then gave DDP the ten-turnbuckle count-along down to the mat.
As DDP behaved like Jack Tripper at ringside, the Booty Girl made her way to the ring wearing a tutu.
Criss-cross and leapfrog by the Booty Man preceded another right hand that sent DDP reeling.
As Booty Man tried a cross body block, DDP ducked.
Belly-to-back suplex by DDP got 2.
Like a good heel, DDP put his feet on the ropes while holding a head lock.
As DDP guillotined Booty Man on the top rope, the Booty Girl acted like a preteen in love.
DDP told the Booty Girl to get in the corner. When she then got up on the apron to confront him, DDP kissed her. That earned him a slap to the face.
Booty hit the High Knee (get it?) for the pin.

Summary: Worst DDP match ever. I thought he plotted out matches move-by-move, but perhaps Leslie called this match. Anyways, run, don’t walk, far away from this match.

After the match, the Booty Man plants one on the Booty Girl. Since DDP is retired, perhaps he can start his own yoga thing.

Back In the locker room, Gene interviews Luger with Jimmy Hart. This is the last match that Hart will manage Luger. In tribute, Hart gives Luger his Luger jacket for his trophy case. Afterwards, Luger stammers through his promo. Perhaps he heard his music on RAW last week and still can’t believe it.

Believe it or not, the winner of this match gets a shot at the World title on Nitro tomorrow night against Flair.
Loch Ness got Rey Mysterio’s music. Oops. He’s not in WCW (yet).
Please let this be short.
Standing boot choke in the corner by the Giant.
Giant attempted a running back elbow but missed. He unexpectedly sailed over the top rope to the floor.
Elbow drop by Loch Ness but attempt #2 missed.
Running clothesline by the Giant didn’t put Loch Ness down, but a big boot did.
Leg drop by the Giant got the pin.

Summary: No disrespect for the dead intended, but Loch Ness did the job and went back home. RIP Martin Ruane.

Backstage, Marshall ~~gives away the finish to the main event~~ interviews Sting and Booker T. There’s less grease in a McDonald’s Big Mac than on Sting’s body here. In the meantime, Booker T supplies the phrases “on like neckbone” and “chicken wing on a string” for those that enjoy that sort of thing.

No time limit. Falls count anywhere. What about Italian beef on a pole?
Before Sting and Booker T enter the ring, the Road Warriors attack them in the aisle.
After Booker T gets tossed outside the ring by Hawk, he delivered a Harlem sidekick.
He then rammed Hawk shoulder-first into the ring post.
Back in the ring Booker T gave Animal a scissors kick.
Powerslam and elbow drop by Animal to Booker T got 2.
Animal broke the wishbone with Sting using the ring post. OUCH!
Hawk guillotined Booker T on the steel railing.
Sting broke his own wishbone on Animal. I don’t believe James Laurinaitis was conceived on this night. A fact check revealed that James was already nine years old when this show happened.
Meanwhile Booker T made Hawk taste the steel railing. It must have tasted like the Blue Suede Grill at Café 212.
On the floor, Booker T gave Hawk a piledriver, but he no-sold it.
Running clothesline from Animal to Sting got 2.
As Booker T re-entered the ring, Animal gave him a greeting from down south. YEE-OUCH!
Outside the ring, Booker T reversed a whip and sent Animal back-first into the steel railing.
On the floor, Booker T got a 2 count as Rhodes believed that if Luger was involved, he’d have “hit the bricks.”
After tossing Animal back in the ring, Booker T mounted the top turnbuckle only to eat a shot to the midsection on the way down.
In the aisle, Hawk gave Sting a dropkick.
In the ring, Animal gave Booker T a dropkick and got 2.
As Booker T applied a fujiwara arm bar on Hawk, Sting and Animal made their way towards the Doomsday cage.
Sting found a chair and nailed Animal twice.
He brought the chair into the ring and walloped Hawk while he was down.
As Hawk gained his feet, Sting gave him an unprotected chair shot sending him to the year 2000.
Mistakenly Sting dropped the chair.
Animal retrieved it and hammered both Sting and Booker T with it.
After a final chair shot to the face, Animal only got 2 on Booker T thanks to a save by Sting.
Leg lariat by Booker T to Animal followed by a Sting piledriver to Hawk.
As you would expect, it didn’t faze him.
Powerbomb by Hawk to Sting followed by a stomp somewhere near Brownsville, TX.
Outside the ring, Booker T choked Animal with a camera cable.
Hawk launched Sting over the steel railing into the crowd then brawled with him.
As Heenan mentioned that Booker T should nail Animal from the back, Booker T leaped from the apron and did just that.
Sting then made Hawk taste the steel railing. It must have tasted like the Italian Job sandwich.
Hawk must be really hungry as he tasted it a third time this match. Waiter, give him the Moonstruck mushroom grill too.
In the aisle, Animal rammed Booker T into the Doomsday cage.
Back in the ring, Sting missed the Stinger splash then ate a clothesline by Hawk.
Animal mounted the top turnbuckle, but Booker T shook the ropes causing Animal to straddle the top rope and not in a pleasant fashion.
After a Hawk leg drop got 2 on Sting, Booker T mounted the top turnbuckle and flew at Hawk. He didn’t get what he intended.
Shoulder block off the ropes knocked Animal down and Sting silly. Sting then landed face-first down in forbidden territory. YEE-OUCHY-OUCH!
Belly-to-back suplex by Hawk, but he’s slow to follow-up.
In the corner, Animal used his trick knee on Sting. Even I had to whimper on that one.
Sidewalk slam by Booker T; however, there was no spinaroonie. Boo!
Wait! If I had waited a brief moment. Booker T missed an elbow drop and performed the spinaroonie. Yay!
After Animal and Booker T have a mid-ring collision, Sting mounted the top turnbuckle.
Unfortunately for him, he missed the big splash.
Hawk then mounted the top turnbuckle but ate a Booker T dropkick on the way down.
To counter being choked, Booker T again nailed Animal down in the abyss.
Seeing his prey down on the floor, Booker T tried a plancha but SPLATTED on the floor instead.
Gutwrench suplex by Hawk to Sting got 2.
Outside the ring, Animal made Booker T taste the steel railing. Waiter, give the man in the purple outfit with flames an As Good As it Gets Combo.
Double clothesline by Booker T and Sting to Animal. They then set up for a suplex on each Road Warrior.
Sting dropped Hawk on the top rope as Booker T gave Animal a vertical suplex.
Animal no-sold it then gave Booker T one of his own.
After Booker T missed a leg lariat, he straddled the top rope. Animal made sure in choir practice Booker T would sing soprano.
Outside the ring, Animal made Sting taste the steel railing. Waiter, please give the man with the scorpion tights a Some Like it Hot sandwich.
Inside the ring, Hawk mounted the top turnbuckle and hit a clothesline on Booker T.
Back outside, Sting made Animal taste the steel railing. Waiter, sorry to bother you, but give the man with a spider painted on his face a Pleasantville veggie grill.
Sting then rammed Animal face-first into the ring steps then whipped him into the steel railing.
Animal then reversed a whip and sent Sting back-first into the steel railing.
As Booker T applied a camel clutch to Hawk, Sting rammed Animal’s leg into the apron.
After a slam and an elbow drop, Sting mounted the top turnbuckle.
Unfortunately for him, Animal caught and powerslammed him.
On the floor, Hawk gave Booker T a dropkick.
Standing leg drop by Animal got a trio of 2 counts.
Double clothesline put both Sting and Animal down on the mat.
When they got outside the ring, Animal made Sting taste the steel railing one more time. Waiter, Scorpion lover needs a hound dog STAT.
Spinaroonie #2 was followed by a leg lariat.
Meanwhile outside the ring, Animal nailed Sting in the back with a chair.
He then set Sting up against the ring post, went for a clothesline, and wrapped his arm around the post.
Chair shot from Sting to Animal’s back.
Hawk leaped off the apron toward Sting and almost ate chair.
In a WTF moment, Booker T tried a plancha to Hawk but ate chair.
Back in the ring, Hawk gave Booker T a powerslam.
At the same time, Sting brought two brooms from backstage.
He then hammered both Road Warriors with them.
After Animal broke a broom in half, he choked Sting with it.
As Booker T and Animal headed backstage, Hawk mounted the top turnbuckle and splashed Sting for 2.
While Hawk suplexed Sting in the ring, Animal rammed Booker T into a table back in the catering area. Lex Luger stood by wondering what was going on.
Animal tried to give a double axe handle to Booker T and ended up hitting Luger.
The Total Package retaliated as Stevie Ray entered the fray.
Nevertheless, in the ring, Hawk mounted the top turnbuckle again and hit a clothesline on Sting.
As Hart handcuffed Animal to a post, Hawk clotheslined Sting over the top rope to the floor.
Sting positioned Hawk against the steel railing then charged at him. Hawk moved sending Sting directly into steel city.
Booker T returned to the ring and rammed Hawk shoulder-first into the ring steps.
Back in the ring, Booker T put Hawk down with a sidewalk slam.
He then mounted the top turnbuckle, but missed the Harlem Hangover.
As Hawk laid against the ropes with his back facing the entrance, Stevie Ray NAILED him in the back with a steel chair.
Booker T got the pin.

Summary: While exciting and entertaining, this was too long of a match for these guys. To top it off, delicacies from Café 212 and ball shots were on special throughout the match. In fact, they practically got everything on the menu. The good news from this match was that Booker T belonged in the ring with them as opposed to the mid-card doldrums.

OK, if you’re still reading, please turn off the reflection now. You’ve been warned.

Match 7 (Doomsday cage): Hulk Hogan and “Macho Man” Randy Savage versus “Nature Boy” Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, the Taskmaster, Lex Luger, Meng, the Barbarian, Z Gangsta, and… (w/ Jimmy Hart, Woman, and Elizabeth)

Are you fucking kidding me? Eight versus two? Seriously?
And what name will they give to Jeep Swenson? Obviously, for my reflection, I got the doctored copy of Nitro because it removed the Taskmaster’s naming of him as the Final Solution. For those that are unaware, that name was given to Hitler’s plan to exterminate the Jews in the 1930s and ‘40s. Yikes! And that wasn’t the most stupid part of all this.
According to Tony, this is a gauntlet match for Hogan and Savage to survive the tiers of the cage with different opponents in each. I hope I can survive it.
The Doomsday cage, as was pointed out indirectly in prior matches, was by the entrance rather than over the ring.
Buffer rumbled.
Where’s PIllman? Even Tony asked.
So instead of having the anti-Semitic name, Swenson was renamed the Ultimate Solution. Somewhere Warrior put his fist through a wall.
In the top cage, Savage and Hogan faced Arn and Flair.
Flair rammed Savage into a structural pole.
Arn then rammed Savage into the cage.
Savage slammed Arn, and we all prayed the cage floor would hold.
Fortunately it did, as Arn hooked the figure-four leg lock on Hogan.
Flair hooked his on Savage.
After the holds were broken, Flair tossed something down to the Taskmaster.
As Hogan and Savage tossed powder at the Horsemen, they exited through the trap door.
Now the MegaPowers face the Taskmaster, Luger, Meng, and the Barbarian. Sigh.
Hogan used a chain to nail and choke the Taskmaster.
After the Faces of Fear screw up a double-team against Savage, Meng got rammed into the steel cage.
Once Luger got rammed into the cage, Hogan locked one side of the cage to isolate Meng and Barbarian.
Arn climbed down to the next level but cannot pass through the chained door.
Savage dropped an elbow on Luger as Hogan knocked the Taskmaster out of the cage onto the platform. He practically sent him to his demise down on the concrete floor below. Double yikes!
In order to keep from dying from a fall, the Taskmaster ensured that Brooke Hogan wasn’t conceived on this night. Another quick fact check shows that Brooke was seven years old at this point.
The Taskmaster truly tried to end Hulkamania by sending him to his fate on the concrete floor.
For reasons not quite explained, the brawl went outside the cage on the concrete floor. Groan.
As Hogan and Taskmaster made their way to the ring, Hogan grabbed a microphone and jabbed the Taskmaster with it.
Big boot to the Taskmaster, but where’s the leg drop?
Simultaneously, Luger rammed Savage head-first into a pole while Hogan rammed the Taskmaster into the Doomsday cage.
Clothesline from Hogan to Luger saved Savage as the Taskmaster rammed Savage into the Doomsday cage.
Hogan made Luger taste the steel railing. It must have tasted like the Delta Melt at Lost Pizza.
Clothesline in the corner by Hogan to Luger while outside the ring, Savage made the Taskmaster taste the steel railing. Waiter, give the bookerman the Yardbird.
Ten-punch count-along by Hogan to Luger until the Taskmaster entered the ring and hit Hogan so low that SONAR couldn’t find it.
Hogan pulled Luger out of the ring and made him taste the steel railing once more. Waiter, please feed the Popeye to the man with the chiseled physique.
Hogan WALLOPED Luger in the back with a chair.
Luger nailed Savage in the back with a chair then he hit Hogan.
The Taskmaster crotched Savage on the steel railing then clotheslined him down to the floor.
As Hogan and Savage pummeled both Luger and the Taskmaster on the floor, Z Gangsta and the Ultimate Solution walked to the ring.
While Z Gangsta choked Savage, Ultimate Solution made Hogan taste the steel railing. Waiter, give the balding egomaniac the Otis.
Both Ultimate Solution and Z Gangsta took the MegaPowers back to the Doomsday cage.
At the bottom of the Doomsday cage, a ring stood.
Savage mounted the top turnbuckle and hit a double axe handle to Z Gangsta.
Ultimate Solution stopped the Hogan ten-punch count-along with an inverted atomic drop.
A clothesline by Savage didn’t faze Z Gangsta. A second try earned him a bear hug.
Hogan rammed Ultimate Solution into the cage.
Z Gangsta choked Hogan as Ultimate Solution military-pressed Savage.
Again Savage mounted the top turnbuckle but got caught.
Arn and Flair returned to the cage to hopefully save this dog.
Arn and Z Gangsta rammed Savage into the cage as Hart cackled.
As Savage and Hogan laid by the door, the Booty Man handed them frying pans.
E-C-W! E-C-W! E-C-W! Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Luger ran into the ring and put on a loaded glove.
Unfortunately he nailed Flair instead of Savage, but he noticed Savage duck first. What does this mean?
They try to escape until either Hogan or referee Randy Anderson told Savage to pin Flair.
1-2-3.

Summary: This chaotic mind-numbing mess gets nothing and is forced to like it. What a stupid idea for a match. I can’t believe people paid to watch this.

Conclusion: In spite of the really good US title match, I NEVER, EVER want to watch this show again as long as I live! This was IYH IV-level of bad. If you ever have the inclination to watch this show, STOP, look around, and find something better to do. Nitro MUST be better than this. Get Hogan off my TV!