Hosted by Vince McMahon and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
This review is sponsored by Kay Jewelers! Thanks WWE Network!
Hogan promises a surprise for the Funks.
Back in the locker room, “Mean” Gene Okerlund interviews Jimmy Hart and the Funks. Next, we revisit the end to the Funks-JYD/Santana tag match at WrestleMania II. Afterward, Hart introduces Jimmy Jack Funk.
At the entrance, Okerlund interviews Hogan with JYD and the Haiti Kid. While Hogan and the Haiti Kid are wearing American Made t-shirts, JYD wears a Hulkamania t-shirt.
Match 1: WWF Champion Hulk Hogan & Junkyard Dog (w/ the Haiti Kid) versus Terry & Hoss Funk (w/ Jimmy Hart & Jimmy Jack Funk)
For those unaware, Jimmy Jack Funk was former NWA Southern champion Jesse Barr a.k.a. Shawn Michaels’ least favorite person in the world.
In previous episodes of SNME, we have seen Terry vs. Hogan and Terry vs. JYD. Now we get the tag match.
As JYD slammed both Funks, Hogan headbutted them while on all fours. Reverse psychology!
Hart got on the apron, but the Haiti Kid pulled him down to the concrete floor.
Hoss was unable to slam JYD, but the opposite wasn’t true.
Cross-corner whip by Terry, but he whiffed on his follow-through and landed on the concrete floor.
Terry chased after the Haiti Kid, but JYD pulled him back in the ring and delivered a clothesline.
A criss-cross by Terry and Terry Hogan became a criss-cross by both Funks.
They do-si-do and Terry ate a big boot from Hogan.
Axe bomber by Hogan to Hoss. Afterwards, he slammed Hoss and hit an elbow drop for 2.
After a cross-corner whip by JYD, he delivered another clothesline.
Double forearm to JYD by the Funks as Hogan distracted the referee.
Hoss reversed a cross-corner whip but came up empty on his follow-through.
Cross-corner whip from Hogan to Terry sent the latter over his brother in the corner and back down to the concrete floor.
The Haiti Kid got up on the apron, so Hart did the same and WALLOPED him with the branding iron. Heenan’s response: “Midget shish-kabob, my favorite.”
Hogan chased Hart past the timekeeper’s table knocking down Mel Phillips in the process.
While JYD and Hogan tended to the Haiti Kid on the apron, Terry came over and stomped the little Hulkamaniac.
After a slam by Hogan to Hoss, the former nailed Terry sending him onto the timekeeper’s table further disheveling the area.
After delivering some forearms, Hoss attempted a vertical suplex but was blocked.
Hogan then suplexed him for 2.
Terry came in and gave Hogan a head butt; therefore, JYD came in and gave Hoss one.
After Hoss tossed Hogan down to the concrete floor, Terry nailed the WWF champion in the ribs with the branding iron. How dastardly!
While Hoss supposedly distracted the referee, both Terry and Hart kicked the bejeezus out of Hogan.
Terry then made Hogan taste the steel railing. It must have tasted like the Berkshire pork chop at Gracie’s.
JYD came over and slammed Terry on the concrete floor.
Immediately thereafter, JYD gave Terry an Irish whip into a Hogan back drop on the concrete floor. Terry might need some Doan’s pills after this match.
Back in the ring, Hogan gave Hoss a big boot then rammed him head-first into JYD’s head.
Cross-corner whip by JYD, but he ate a knuckle sandwich on his follow-through.
As the Providence crowd showed their support for JYD, the Haiti Kid stood on the apron with a bandage around his head. Was he busted open?
Double clothesline put both Terry and JYD down on the mat.
After a slam, Terry mounted the top turnbuckle but missed the splash.
Hot tag Hogan.
Clothesline followed by a leg drop to Hoss got the pin for Hogan.
Summary: More sports-entertainment than wrestling for my tastes, but it wasn’t terrible.
After the match, a knee to the back by Hoss knocked Hogan down to the concrete floor. He and Terry then toss JYD down there as well. From there, they hold the Haiti Kid up so that Hart can nail him. As Hart holds the Haiti Kid, Terry tries to brand him. Just in the nick of time, Hogan drags Hart out by the legs. He then grabs Hart’s arms so that the Haiti Kid can nail him. As JYD possesses the branding iron and Hogan the ring bell, the Funks (including Jimmy Jack) head for higher ground. JYD dances as Hogan poses to “Grab Them Cakes.”
Prior to the next match, Okerlund hosts a “weigh-in” between Bundy and Elmer. Bundy weighs in at 468 pounds. That’s a lot of sliders from White Castle! After eating some of “Uncle Elmer’s Fried Pig Parts,” the super-heavyweight hillbilly weighed 430 pounds. That’s a truckload of bacon!
Match 2: Uncle Elmer versus King Kong Bundy (w/o Bobby “The Brain” Heenan)
During my WrestleMania II reflection, I mentioned that the match pitting Adonis versus Elmer was the latter’s last match. My bad. THIS would be his last match in the WWF.
Bundy put Elmer down on the mat with some heel shenanigans.
Elmer came back with some forearms then SQUISHED Bundy in the corner.
Upon giving Bundy a cross-corner whip, Elmer delivered an avalanche. Hey! That’s Bundy’s move!
After a second cross-corner whip, Elmer came up empty then fell down to the mat.
An elbow drop from Bundy got the pin.
Summary: Goodbye, Uncle Elmer. Get off my screen! The only highlight of this match (if you can call it that) was that Tim White was the referee. Notably, he was Andre the Giant’s handler during this period.
Back in the dressing room, Okerlund interviews Adonis with Hart. The effeminate one has a standee of Orndorff with him.
Earlier today, Okerlund interviewed Orndorff in the sauna. The latter is ready to take on the “blimp with the wimp.”
Match 3: “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff versus “Adorable” Adrian Adonis (w/ Jimmy Hart)
Pair of slams by Orndorff sent Adonis down to the concrete floor to regroup.
Cross-corner whip by Orndorff resulted in an Adonis flip back down to the concrete floor.
After an Irish whip, Orndorff hooked an abdominal stretch, but Adonis made the ropes.
Hip toss by Adonis, but as he charged at Orndorff, he received a back drop over the top rope down to the concrete floor yet again.
Orndorff grabbed Hart by the hair, dragged him into the ring, and hoisted him overhead.
He then launched Hart on top of Adonis outside the ring.
After a cross-corner whip, Orndorff gave Adonis an airplane spin then dumped him onto the apron.
Adonis pulled Orndorff down to the concrete floor, tried to ram him head-first into the ring post, but rammed his shoulder instead.
As Orndorff received a prolonged distraction from Hart, Adonis nailed him in the back with the megaphone.
After a knee to the midsection, Adonis missed a knee drop.
A slam by Adonis was followed by an elbow smash for 1.
Vertical suplex by Adonis got another 1 count.
Adonis then mounted the top turnbuckle but hit knees on a splash.
Knee lift by Orndorff tied Adonis up in the ropes.
Again he grabbed Hart and nailed him.
Dropkick by Orndorff sent Adonis into the ring post.
Orndorff then ripped the dress off Adonis.
As referee Tim White tried to get Orndorff off Adonis, Orndorff tossed him down to the mat.
Consequently, White disqualified Orndorff.
Summary: The WWF formula of sports entertainment over wrestling didn’t work well here for these guys. Perhaps Orndorff’s face turn needs some modification.
After the match, Orndorff continues to rip the dress from Adonis. He then tries to nail Adonis with a steel chair, but White stops him.
Earlier today in the empty arena, Okerlund interviews Hogan. We revisit the previous SNME where Bundy attacked the Hulkster. Next, we revisit the main event from WrestleMania II. Afterwards, Hogan describes his reasons for competing in the steel cage match.
Back in the locker room, Okerlund interviews Steamboat. The “Dragon” accurately notes that this match is a battle of reptiles. We then revisit the aftermath of Roberts’ match at WrestleMania II.
Earlier today, Roberts handles his python Damian while cutting a promo on Steamboat.
Match 4: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat versus Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Before Steamboat could enter the ring, Roberts nailed him with a clothesline.
Short-arm clothesline by Roberts sent Steamboat down to the concrete floor.
Roberts then delivered a DDT on the concrete floor knocking Steamboat legitimately OUT COLD.
He then picked up Steamboat like he was dead weight and tossed him back into the ring.
Roberts then opened the bag and dumped Damian atop the unconscious Steamboat.
Summary: Booking 101 on how to start a white-hot summer feud right here.
Shortly thereafter, officials place Steamboat on a stretcher as a frightened Bonnie Steamboat looks on.
Back in the locker room, Okerlund interviews the British Bulldogs with Captain Lou Albano. We then revisit the tag title victory from WrestleMania II.
According to Vince, Steamboat sustained a concussion but will return soon.
Earlier today, Okerlund interviewed the Iron Sheik, Volkoff, and Blassie.
Match 5 for the WWF tag team titles (2 out of 3 falls): The British Bulldogs (champions w/ Capt. Lou Albano) versus Nikolai Volkoff & the Iron Sheik (w/ “Classy” Freddie Blassie)
To create nuclear heat, Volkoff sang the Soviet national anthem while Vince and Heenan talked over him.
Amazingly, Blassie dressed like he borrowed his clothes from Liberace’s closet.
Volkoff received a head butt from each Bulldog then succumbed to an inside cradle by Smith for 2.
Smith charged, but Volkoff guillotined him on the top rope.
Sheik tagged in and gave Smith a belly-to-back suplex.
Immediately, he hooked the camel clutch.
Smith submitted to give the challengers a one fall to zero advantage.
Back drop by Sheik to Smith was followed by a clothesline.
Abdominal stretch by Sheik on Smith.
Will he submit? Could we have new tag team champions?
No, Smith delivered a hip toss but missed an elbow drop.
Volkoff tagged in and gave Smith a clothesline.
Sunset flip by Smith to Volkoff, but the referee was detained by Sheik.
Gutwrench suplex by Sheik got 1, 2, NO!
Atomic drop by Smith got 2 on Sheik.
Volkoff tagged back in and rolled Smith up for 2.
Back elbow by Smith to Volkoff, but Smith couldn’t tag out.
As Blassie held Smith by the hair, Sheik gave Smith a running guillotine.
Slam by Volkoff, but Smith put his boot on the bottom rope.
Smith rolled Volkoff up for the pin to tie the match at one fall apiece.
According to Vince, the Dynamite Kid was suffering from a torn ligament in his left knee; hence the reason Smith had been in the match the entire time.
Boston Crab by Sheik, but Smith made the ropes.
Backbreaker by Volkoff got a 2 count while hooking the tights.
Bear hug by Volkoff, but Smith escaped.
Sheik tagged in, but Smith scooped him up and delivered the running powerslam.
Volkoff made the save.
Hot tag Dynamite Kid.
Bear hug by Sheik who tagged in Volkoff.
Volkoff also applied a bear hug then tagged back out.
Gutwrench suplex #2 by Sheik who then applied the camel clutch.
All four men were in the ring.
As Volkoff distracted the referee, Dynamite Kid switched with Smith.
Smith then hooked an inside cradle on Sheik.
The champs retained.
Summary: Really good tag match that established the Bulldogs as solid champions. The only gripe I have is that Smith and Dynamite Kid were not wearing matching tights.
Conclusion: I like the SNME formula of using the main event talent (Hogan/JYD) to hook the crowd then deliver a solid true main event at the end of the program. I also liked the subtraction of fluff that perpetuated this show in previous episodes and look forward to seeing more from this series.